Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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