My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
