whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
