He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
