Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
