why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
