the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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