got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
