In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
