I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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