I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
