I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
