you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
