Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
