Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
