And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
