I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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