I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
