she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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