I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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