Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
