So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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