did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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