I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
