last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
