he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
