Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
