Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
