I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
