maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
