Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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