I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
