i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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