I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
