My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
