She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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