grandma shit on top of the toilet
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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