I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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