Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
