i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Holy sore nipples Batman
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
