What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
