mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
