I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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