Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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