Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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