I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
