After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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