So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
