he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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