I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
