Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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