tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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