I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
