you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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