I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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