Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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